Unfiltered: What the First Year of Twin Motherhood Really Looks Like

When people think about twins (especially identical twins), they often imagine two cute little kids in matching outfits – best friends who are all smiles. The type of pictures you might see on Instagram or of famous twins, like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. While I do have plenty of those types of pictures on my phone, the reality for parents is truly something else. I don’t think it’s possible to fully understand it unless you’ve been through it, but if you’re about to embark on a twin parenthood journey or just want to know what it’s really like (I’m looking at you, random person who has said “I’ve always wanted to have twins”), read on to get my real and unfiltered opinion on what the first year of twin motherhood is really like.

If it’s not one, then it’s the other. – My twin mantra

Pregnancy: High Risk Everything

What was really overwhelming for me from the start (besides the whole “there’s two babies in there” thing), were all the risks involved in my pregnancy. I had a monochorionic, diamniotic pregnancy (also called MoDi or MCDA), which means my boys shared a placenta. Beyond the fact that there are two babies, which inherently adds more risks, sharing the placenta is significantly more risky and more often leads to negative outcomes for one or both of the babies. By default you have a scan every two weeks, and we went weekly most of the pregnancy due to growth restriction concerns in our Twin A.

You don’t realize how many people have had a twin pregnancy that didn’t result in two healthy babies until you enter that world yourself. Every time I stop and think about the fact that I have two totally healthy and developmentally typical toddlers, I am amazed. It was not an outcome I ever thought we would have, based on my pregnancy experience.

Newborns: Neonatal and the endless cycle of feeding

Twins are much more likely to be born premature and therefore many twins spend at least some time in the neonatal unit. Luckily, in Denmark, they always keep twins together and we also got to stay in the hospital with them (read more about our experience here), but it eventually becomes very monotonous and you’re always wondering how much longer you’ll have to stay.

And because they are premature, you will likely need to pump (if you want to breastfeed). At the start, I had to pump every 3 hours, while the babies got fed by a tube. As we started up with breastfeeding, I would have to pump after breastfeeding them. I had to keep that up until they both passed 3kg in weight, and we ended up doing triple feeding for awhile after I got bad mastitis (more on that experience here). All in all it was close to 2 months of pumping 7-8 times a day, in addition to breastfeeding and sometimes tube or bottle feeding as well. It’s truly (more than) a fulltime job. I felt so emotionally connected to my breastfeeding pillow, after spending so many hours there during the first months of my twins’ lives, that I cried when I sold it. (I was not sad, however, to get rid of my pump.)

Sleep Deprivation

This was by far the most challenging aspect of our twin journey the first year. The first three months they actually slept pretty well (which I later found out is common), waking up every 3-4 hours to feed and going right back to sleep. Then we hit the 4 month regression and our nights were a shit show until 13 months when we fully night weaned.

I am not exaggerating when I say that for months in a row, our longest stretch of sleep in the night was not more than 2 hours. And that was with splitting the nights between my husband and I. Your body finds a way to function and I didn’t realize how bad it truly was until I was past that period. But it was absolutely horrible and I wouldn’t wish our sleep experience on my worst enemy.

This is one of the extra difficult things of having twins – we would need a true miracle for both to have a good night on the same night. Which meant we had a bad night pretty much every night. Something I find myself saying all the time about having twins, which is never more true for us than with sleep: “if it’s not one, then it’s the other.” My Twin A always wakes earlier. Day he decides to sleep in? Bam, Twin B is up early. You can’t catch a break.

The Logistics

Getting out the door with infant twins required professional project management skills (which luckily, I have). I remember preparing everything the evening before we would be going to a mother’s group meeting, or even just taking a walk, because it was impossible to do once the boys were awake. Then we would be on a timer for naptime or eating time. Trying to put them both down for a nap at the same time? A nightmare. I probably have PTSD from the experience (although thank god for the slyngevugge).

Once they started solids, I also had to prepare most of their meals and snacks in advance during sleeping times, unless my husband was also home. Just every little thing required thinking and planning. This is so much easier now that they’re older, but it also becomes second nature after you do it so much during the first year.

Mom Guilt

You never feel like you are giving either baby what they really need and deserve. I personally think this is a natural feeling – humans are meant to have one baby at a time, so it makes sense that one mother can’t give two babies what they need. That doesn’t make it easier to deal with, especially as a first time mom who may be doubting herself already.

I would often have one baby crying while I dealt with the other one, and it was truly very mentally and emotionally difficult to handle (after all, moms’ brains are wired to respond to their baby’s cries). This is luckily way easier now that they are older and understand what is happening! They still complain, but at least you know that they can see you and know you are doing something else, even if they don’t like it.

Survival Mode

The first year of our twins’ lives was truly survival mode. I didn’t realize it at the time, but now that I am starting to have breathing room and truly enjoying my kids, I can acknowledge that I was not having fun the first year. I was exhausted, I was with the babies almost 24/7 and a lot of things suffered – my happiness, my relationship, my social life, my autonomy. My husband and I fully agree that it was the most difficult year of each of our lives and nothing else even comes close. However, we survived and we are stronger both individually and as a couple from the things we learned from this experience.

It Will End (Eventually)

I hope it goes without saying that I love my children and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but entering the world of twin motherhood came with a steep learning curve. However, it has changed me as a person positively and permanently, and for that I am grateful.

As we enter the toddler years, we start to experience so many more moments that make it “worth it” to have twins (the first time my boys hugged each other I almost died of happiness) and I can start to see twin motherhood as a gift. So if you are in the trenches or about to enter them, I hope this post makes you feel seen (and sane!), and to also give you hope that it’s not forever (even though it feels like it).

And if you are someone who tells a twin parent that you’ve “always wanted twins” – hopefully you now at least have a better understanding of what that really means.